Response to a friend re: Spousal Abuse

• I am responding in this note to my friend Travis who responded to my original note regarding spousal abuse. Here is a link to his response :http://www.facebook.com/notes/travis-glenn-blankenship/spousal-abuse-in-the-church/448841213945
• I think that the word submission is throwing us off. The way that Complimentarians and Egalitarians interpret it’s usage in scripture is important to note. I was saying that in the complimentarian context of the use of the word submission, that a wife should not be commanded to submit to her husband’s leadership when he is clearly abusing his role as leader. I am also referring more to ongoing abuse, not a single incident. As an Egalitarian, I prefer to not even use the word submission, I believe that we are not called to submit, to be ruled over, or dominated by one another in a marriage.We are called to cooperation and to love one another in the spirit of unity. I believe that Christ should be the true head of the home in a Christian marriage, not any one person. I am not suggesting to cease spousal duties when one is failing to uphold them. I guess it would also depend on what your definition of spousal duties is. I was simply stating that in the context of a leadership role, the man should not require the woman to submit to his leadership if he is abusing that power. Yes, spouses should be committed to love one another through good times and the bad. A wife can and should still love her husband and support him through a difficult situation such as this.
• Yes, I did mean that the church by itself should not be the ultimate (and only) solution. Yes, a woman should be able to seek comfort and support in her church. Yes, her abuser should be held accountable in the church. But what if her husband is an elder, deacon, board member, Sunday school teacher, or even the pastor? What then? I don’t think that the entire church body should be deeply involved. If church members are not equipped to handle situations such as these, then there is the greater likelihood that someone will say something that is potentially harmful and there is a greater chance of the person being re-victimized because of the ignorance of people. The more people that know, the greater the chance. Do I believe that the spirit can still speak through those church members who are not educated on this subject? Absolutely.
• I agree, the husband should confess and repent. In my understanding and study of human behavior and psychology though, it usually takes more than just confession and repentance for someone to change a behavior pattern. I am not saying that God cannot radically transform someone, because I believe it can happen.
• In addition, I believe that the other services can also be an extension of the church. As you know, the church is not just confined to the building itself. As you stated, “God will use the other services in this world and we can trust that to be good.” I agree with you. God can use those other services as a means of healing and transformation. There are even Christian ministries that are devoted to this issue. I see that you really want the church to be the main source of healing and restoration, and I totally get where you are coming from. I am just asking you to expand your view of the church to see that maybe these other services could be an extension of the body of Christ? I don’t know if this all makes sense or not, but I think that this is my last response in writing for now, because I can see this going on and on. I am glad that you have challenged my response. This is how we learn and grow. I still am open to talking about this issue more, but I have other things that need attending to right now. Thank you for your thoughtful response and for being open to be challenged as well. I have great admiration for you and for your love of the church, and I hope that someday soon we can discuss this in person!

My Response to John Piper's stance on abuse

My Response to John Piper’s statements regarding wives being abused:

Here is a link to John Piper’s statements:

http://strivetoenter.com/wim/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/what-should-wifes-submission-to-abuse-look-like.mp3

Disclaimer: I am approaching this subject from a Christian, social workers perspective. I do not agree with the stance that John Piper takes regarding men and women’s roles. Here are a few quick references regarding this subject:

• John Piper’s Views on Manhood and Womanhood: A Reponse, Part I | Et elle, et al.
• http://www.bible-researcher.com/plutarch1.html
• This one actually discusses Piper’s stance on abuse and references his book: http://www.godswordtowomen.org/scholer.htm

As I listened to this rather short commentary from John Piper regarding his stance on abused women, I had several reactions: I got angry, my chest broke out in hives, and I was disgusted, but not surprised. Do I believe that John Piper has some good things to say? Yes. Do I believe that he has helped people and that God has used him? Yes. Do I agree with his view of a women’s role in the church and to her husband? NO. Do I think that these statements regarding abuse are harmful? YES!

First of all, the question that started this all off was “What should a wife’s submission to her husband look like if he is an abuser?” My answer: A wife should not be submitting to a husband who is abusing her. A wife who continues to submit to her husband who is abusive is, in my opinion, submitting to his abuse, not to his leadership. I believe in Egalitarianism, not Complementarianism, so right off the bat I disagree with what John Piper is saying. Secondly, when he is referring to sexually abusive acts that a husband may ask his wife to do, I think that the wife has the right to be at least a little bit pissed off! She can still approach him in an assertive manner in love. Piper suggests that a wife respond like this: “honey I want so much to follow you as my leader, God calls me to do that, and I would love to do that, it would be sweet to me if I could enjoy your leadership, but if you ask this of me, I can’t go there.” If a man is asking his wife to participate in group sex or is sexually abusing his wife, do you really think that he is going to listen to his wife? Do you really think that he is going to be rational? Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse, and research has shown that if someone is being sexually and physically abused, then they have a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed. Abuse is about power and control, and the stance that John Piper takes on this subject does not address the power and control aspect of the abuse. The way that wives are supposed to act according to John Piper’s interpretation is degrading and likens them to servants, and frankly, saddens me.

Next, when he says that wives may endure verbal abuse for a season and she endures perhaps being smacked for one night, and then seeks help from the church, really got my blood boiling! There are so many things wrong with this statement, that I don’t know where to begin. Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Enduring verbal (emotional) abuse for a season is not a response that is likely to help a woman in that situation. How long is a season? If a husband is verbally abusing his wife, you can pretty much bet that it is not just for a “season”. It is a serious problem that can lead to low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. In addition, those who verbally abuse often make threats of physical violence. That leads me to the next point: enduring getting smacked for one night? WTF? Usually, when a woman is being abused, it is never just an isolated incident. It is never ok to get smacked around by your husband!

Any woman who is being abused in any way should seek help immediately and should not have to “endure” it. I do not disagree that she could seek help from the church, but that should not be her only means of help. If she is being physically harmed by her husband, she needs to contact the authorities! Most churches are not qualified to deal with domestic abuse situations. She needs to contact a domestic abuse hotline at the very least. A domestic abuse hotline can provide her with information regarding a safe place to go, counseling services, and support groups, among other services. Yes, the church can be a support for her during this difficult time but it is not the ultimate solution. His discipline should not come from the church alone, and how would they discipline him anyway? Banish him? I think that you are going down a slippery slope when you leave it up to churches to discipline and deal with situations like this. How is that any different from the Islamic Sharia family law, where they deal with family disputes internally and don’t involve outside authorities? Additionally, I personally have known someone who was being abused both verbally and physically by her husband. Her husband was an alcoholic and refused to get help. She went to her church for help, and all that they told her is that they would pray for her and that she had an obligation to stay with her husband. She was worn out both emotionally and physically, and felt like she had no choice but to endure her husbands abuse. At the time, I did not know what I know now, and I wish I could have helped her and hooked her up with different resources. Ultimately, her marriage ended in divorce, despite the churches “intervention.” She carried a huge amount of guilt around about her failed marriage. I have since lost touch with her, but now I have made a vow to myself that if I come across someone in that situation, that I will do whatever I can to help in that situation, specifically by connecting her with resources to places that specialize in domestic abuse issues. The bottom line is, that John Piper’s statements are ill informed and are dangerous. I would urge anyone who respects and heeds the advice of John Piper to reconsider, and to look at this situation from another viewpoint.

2008 in review: a crazy/beautiful/happy/sad adventure

Here are 20 things that I have learned this past year. I have learned a lot more than 20 things, but I didn't want to write a fifty page paper! These are just random mumblings.
1. When you help someone, they actually end up helping you.
2. There is beauty in creating life. Being pregnant was a blessing. I now have one baby in heaven waiting for me. I never thought I could love a living thing that I have never met so much.
3. I can still have hope and laugh, even when life seems so hopeless.
4. Every day is a blessing. I know, cliché, but I have a deeper understanding now.
5. Alcohol is not the devil. I have had some really good conversations in bars.
6. I didn't think that I could grow deeper in love with my husband, but I did.
7. I love the Beatles.
8. Feeling sad is not a bad thing. It lets us know that we are still alive.
9. You are still a Christian even if you vote for a Democrat
10. I am stronger than I thought.
11. I am an activist at heart.
12. I can handle 15 hours in school and still make straight A's. (yeah me!)
13. I like hanging out with hippies, druggies, musicians, and artists. They are much more fun than churchy yuppies.
14. I can sleep in on Sunday mornings and not feel guilty. I like not going to church until 5 pm. It is really nice.
15. I am responsible enough to be a home owner. It is really nice not to live in an apartment anymore.
16. God is a good God. Sure, bad things happen. I know that He did not cause those bad things though. He takes care of us.
17. Angels are all around. They are people that give you a hug when you need it, that bring you food when you don't feel like fixing dinner. They are people that say that one thing that brightens your day. They are the people who listen when you cry.
18. I am learning to accept that my body is changing and that I may not ever be a size 6 again. That is ok.
19. Ryan and I can make it on a smaller income. It was worth it to have sanity and better sleep.
20. Not all homeless people are bums ( I already knew this, but I have a greater understanding now). Some of them are really cool if you get to know them!